UNRELEASED PARTS OF HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS!!!1!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!! ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT!!!1!!!1!!!
LYK, HER TEHY RRRRR!
On the blessed date of Febuary 12, 2007, Tronlet’s human form retrieved these papers in New York, directly outside the Scholastic printing press building. Some poor guy, who is probably fired by now, had cracked open a window, and it is winter... I saw them blow out the window with my very own eyes. They landed in a puddle of slush, so some parts are unreadable, but I have transcripted the best I can. A picture of the retrieving was taken by a passerby who was intrigued by the happenings, I later convinced him they were nothing special and got him to give me copies.
This is the TRUTH, Absolut. Absolut Vodka is what kind of Absolut.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 1:
Harry swallowed the gillyweed, and submerged into the depths...
...UNREADABLE...
“My sweet,” Harry heard the giant squid say lovingly to a mermaid, her sharp teeth glinting, “I don’t like to see you so exhausted. Let us rest here a little,” and he nudged her through the water towards the rocks where Harry was resting. Then he noticed him and looked suddenly fierce.
“Don’t be angry with me!” Harry yelled, thrusting his wand. “I’m just looking for Voldemort’s secret underwater lair!”
“I beg your pardon,” rumbled the squid. “I have met several of your sort before. Please excuse me for halting your ULTIMATE QUESTY THINGY!!! As soon as my mermaid girlfriend has recovered her strength, we will leave you to kill with no mercy however you like, being saved by deus ex machina at the last second. How are you feeling now, my love?” he asked the mermaid as tenderly as a FREAKING GIANT SQUID can, stroking her with his tentacle and leaving several nasty welts in the process.
“Urrrrgh...” Harry said, feeling like he was about to contaminate the water with vomit, “You two are in a relationship???” “Yes??” “Yeeeeah, look. I gotta go, but first I need to tell you something. You guys are... definitely not right for each other, let’s put it like that.” He then swam off, leaving the couple to stare sadly at each other, beginning one final kiss that unfortunately caused the giant squid to eat the mermaid by accident, causing him grief that would last hundreds of years. Now we know why it’s so grumpy. Funny how love can end up so sad, isn’t it? Well, I mean, usually it doesn’t end like
1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy loves girl.
3. Girl loves boy.
4. The Boy Who Lived does not meet Girl Who Lived, but does give relationship advice to boy and girl.
5. Boy and girl sadly begin final kiss.
6. Boy eats girl. Oh well.
but you know what I mean, right? Anyway, Harry swam off, to search for Voldemort’s underwater lair. He was swimming, thinking he’d never get anywhere, but then an enormous grindylo
...UNREADABLE...
when suddenly he came upon a Goblet That Was Burning, and It Was Burning a heck of a lot, and thus he dubbed it, Ye Mighty Goblet of Fire. Since he’s the Boy Who Lived, capitalization important of course, he can Do This Kind Of Stu
...UNREADABLE...
Part 2:
into the water!” “I’m not the root of the trouble,” Voldemort snarled, and then paused to cough loudly before continuing. “I’m the lord of the wizarding world, as well as the Muggle world!”
“It doesn’t matter whether you’re ruler or not,” Harry said. “You’ve breathed in the essence of Avada Kedavra like everyone else.” “Harry’s right.” said Ron. “We don’t have time to stand here arguing.” added Hermione.
Even without her spell book, Hermione could recite a spell that knocked out everyone who pronounced her name “Hermy-one”, or “Her-mi-own”, or “Her-meo-knee”, which she was about to cast on Lord Voldemort, who had just pronounced it “Her-mi-o
...UNREADABLE...
“None shall pass,” moaned the Hallow, looking oh-so-deathly.
(Fast Fact!: Hallows are spirits! Ooh... gives you a good idea of the world Harry will be wandering! Netherworld, anyone? Back to the story, now.)
Harry said confidently, “You suck.”
“Gasp!” gasped the Deathly Hallow, looking terrified of this boy (Who Lived, don’t forget) who had the nerve to-- to-- “WAHHH!!!” it wailed, a pair of underwear appearing on its hea
...UNREADABLE...
scar. The end.
END OF EXCERPT AND BOOK
EXCERPT 2:
Chapter One:
If you are interested in stories where Dark Lords don’t try to take over everything, you would be better off reading some other book. In this book, not only is there a Dark Lord Voldemort at the end, but there is a Boy Who Lived at the beginning and very few un-magical things in the middle. This is because many magic-ish things happened in the life of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. Like him magically killing all those stupid people who think he is an avatar of evil. On afterthought, that probably didn’t help his case much... But anyway, Harry Potter was
...UNREADABLE...
demort lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his slitted eyes. “It is time,” he said, “for me to tell you what I should have told you fourteen years ago, when I gave you that scar, Harry. Please sit down, you jerk who tries to usurp my throne. I am going to tell you everything you need to know to die properly. I ask only a little not trying to kill me. You will have your chance to kill me-to do whatever you like-when I have finished. I will not maim you violently with the Cruciatus Curse.”
Harry glared at him for a moment, then flung himself back into the chair opposite Voldemort and waited. Voldemort stared for a moment at the moonlit graveyard outside the window, then looked back at Harry and said, “Five years ago you arrived at Hogwarts, Harry, safe and whole, as I had not planned and did not like. Well- not quite whole. At least you suffered at the hands of the Dursleys! For ten whole years! HA-HA-HA!”
He paused. Harry said nothing, but muttered “#@$& you.” under his brea
...UNREADABLE...
ell I am obeyed.”
The little half-blood prince yawned. He was regretting his lost sunset. And besides, he was already growing a little bored. “I have nothing further to do here,” he told the half-blood king. “I’m going to be on my way!” “Do no
... UNREADABLE...
“On the planet Earth, in Africa,” Nagini replied. “Ah!...And are there no people on Earth?” asked the little half-blood prince.
...UNREADABLE...
must be a simply enormous wardrobe! I hope there aren’t a ton of boggarts hidden away in it!” thought Harry, going still further in and pushing aside the coats to make room. Then he noticed there was something crunching under his feet. “I wonder if that is more snow?” he thought, stooping down to feel it with his hand. But instead of the cold, powdery snow, he felt crunchy balls that seem to be made out of paper. “Ah,” he thought, “so it’s moth-balls.”, and that was the end of th
...UNREADABLE...
"Just put them on, Ron, there's a good chap. You can't help get the fifth Horcrux like that, the Deathly Hallow at the gate's already getting suspicious-" "I bought this in Fred and George's joke shop," said Ron stubbornly. "People wear them." "People who are taking a WALK wear them, Ron, not people who're diving into the underworld, they wear these," said Harry, and he brandished the Invisibility Cloak.
"I'm not putting them on," said Ron in indignation. "I lik
...UNREADABLE...
More very, very, soon, it's just that it's hard to decipher from all the slush!
Go back to Tronlet, Stuff and Junk, at it's Best.